Kevin “Finnegan’s Oil” Connelly / Lead Male Vocals
The great grandson of Shamus Gutterin’ O’Toole, a remittance man delivered from County Galway, Ireland, to the colonies after thieving family gold to purchase ‘fairy dust,’ Finn grew up in Cabbagetown, where he founded the first betting ring for dog fighting.
Business quickly prospered into offering medicinal remedies famed for curing gout, animal bites, nervous leg syndrome and testicular acne.
Marriage to the industrial heiress Twinkle Gainsworthy eventually diddled Finn’s sort-of love for humanity. Their vision for global beneficence was amply supported by her South American oil field holdings.
After becoming a successful industry leader and philanthropist, Finn rallied the soon-to-be Mercuretto crew behind closed doors.
Personal Notes: Finn has a passion for regular animal grooming and Brazilian wax, as well as family values, Irish folk songs, and Guinness stew. BACK
Born of blue blood and married to “The Man Who Ate The Blarney Stone” (Kevin ‘Finnegan’s Oil’ Connelly), she represents the moral compass between the two.
A devotee of literature, gardening, and fine hosiery, Twinkle was inspired to dedicate herself to global betterment through befriending a Peruvian shaman and imbibing mushroom tonics.
Personal Notes: Delicate yet determined, her higher education and privileged background never tainted her soul. Should Mercuretto succeed, their mission is her mission. BACK
Tanya “Brass Balls” Godinho [Referred to as B.B] / Lead Vocals
The sole child of war-hero General Hermes Maximus Godinho and poetic genius Madame La Frenza de Coeur, B.B. achieved fame as a teenage tank-racing driver, most notably beating the reigning champion, Auzi “The Speed Weiner,” despite being hobbled that day by unruly hair and menstrual cramps.
B.B. made her fortunes through weapons sales, pork bellies, gold bullion, and a line of lingerie.
Having been betrothed through an arranged marriage, B.B. escaped to the US, where she heard a sermon by Charles Saint Brown that moved her to tears, a little. Through Charles’ kindness, she was introduced to Finn at a closed meeting on Wall Street.
Her favorite saying: “Take the money and run” (35 years before The Steve Miller Band had a popular hit by the same name.)
Personal Notes: B.B has a passion for catalytic converters, grease guns (but strictly and only when she’s ‘in the mood’), well-intentioned vampires and colorized B&W movies. BACK
Johnny “The Nose” James / Bass Player
Nicknamed “The Nose” for his ability to smell out a business opportunity or smell a rat.
Born to poor working parents in Greece, their family immigrated the US and he was raised as a youth in the slums of Chicago.
Rose to prominence in the Greek mafia. Made most of his fortune dealing in off-track gambling, alcohol, gun running, deli-sandwiches and imported olives.
By the time he was in his 30’s, he had already become urban legend in The Windy City. As the muscle for his organization used to say, “You have to talk to the big boss, ‘cause only The Nose knows …”
Personal Notes: Johnny has a passion for guns. Pictures of guns. Women with guns. DQ ice cream and soft, furry animals. BACK
Charles “Saint” Brown / Guitar Player
Born the only son of an Evangelical Baptist preacher from Doonesbury County, West Virginia, USA, Charles became an ardent and vocal advocate of the Lord’s mercies.
Following in the footsteps of his father, Charles took the already substantive wealth of his father’s ministry and turned it into an Empire: live sermon broadcasts, television and radio contracts, as well as clever merchandise such as ‘The Bobble Head Jesus’ (with a sticky base so it doesn’t fall off your dash) and the highly innovative ‘You Light Up My Life!’ nightlight (a face-first, red-haired, plastic Jesus rendering). Charles also sidelined in whiskey bootlegging—just to keep the Ministry secure.
During live Mercuretto performances, Charles would, on occasion, deliver spontaneous ministrations. This, however, was quickly frustrated by projectile drumsticks (The Vlad Maneuver) as well as the permanent removal of his microphone. Compromise was reached and now, he will on occasion deliver ‘faith healings’ during intermission.
Personal Notes: Charles has a passion for hot dog carts, jello salads, and velvet wallpaper—and beyond that, nothing much at all, because lust is a sin. BACK
Sasch “The Bash” Tukatsch (pronounced ‘Too-cash) / Drums
Named so for his heavy-handed business tactics, Bash struck his first business deal on the playground at age 5, where he hand over fist ‘won all the marbles.’
Of Romanian descent (‘mother of means, father of schemes’), Bash is rumored to be the Undisputed Heir of the De Lachér Global Logistics empire, which rose to fame during the heady days when men began to take themselves seriously in a mirror and had a penchant for gambling on 'the short' in Eastern Europe.
Finding love in the middle of a rice paddy when his beloved Drophead veered off the dusty gravel road, Bash settled in with Busty Chan, fresh off the heels of her victorious and celebrated 'Beijing Beaver' talent search.
An urgent message received by wire on a Friday afternoon led to a secretive meeting behind closed doors, where Bash was surprised to learn that James Cooper Connelly was not one but actually three different people.
Personal Notes: Sasch has a passion for monster trucks, Italian Opera, dim sum, and spontaneous combustion. Given his natural inclination to hit things, he was the natural choice for band drummer. BACK
Robert “Longshanks” Cooper / Keys
Born the only child to spectacularly wealthy British aristocrats, from a very young age, Robert was a natural socialite and a musical virtuoso. He is the only member of Mercuretto who was actually a musician to begin with.
Bach, Mozart, Schubert—young Robert would entertain his parents’ guests at their opulent parties with his little hands on the grand piano in the Great Hall of the family mansion.
Under pressure from his father to “make a mark in the real world,” Robert studied business at Oxford university.
After graduation, he combined his newfound business skills with his passion for music. Robert made his own fortune producing extremely well-crafted musical instruments for both the extremely wealthy and the hearing impaired.
Personal Notes: Robert has a passion for maids, rustic oil paintings, sports cars, scotch and maids. Particularly tall maids… BACK
An accomplished herbalist in her home town in Yunnan, Ms. Chan brought her knowledge to New York City, where she established a salon dedicated to the arousal of The Real.
Busty aided The Bash in skin-care counselling, before overwhelming his aching heart.
A retired heartbreaker and charmer, her people skills and finesse play a pivotal role in helping Mercuretto return the world to right.
Trained in Tae kwon do, mixed martial arts, and macramé, Busty can rip your shit out, kick your ass or immobilize you in knots. Yep, it’s true.
Personal Notes: subtle yet occasionally bold, charming, seductive and a shrewd judge of character. She is the perfect counterpoint to The Bash. BACK
Faith McMunny (Mercuretto manager):
The only person born in the contemporary timeline, Faith’s family owned a tartan and wool factory that mysteriously burned to the ground, yielding a sizable insurance settlement. Faith emigrated to NYC with two ewes and one ram that were unfortunately lost in transport, compelling her to take a job in hotel management.
As fate would have it, Faith was in charge of the hotel that was the landing place for Mercuretto upon their arrival in the future.
Personal Notes: she is renowned to be ambitious and Scottish. Personal motto: “McMunny talks and bullshit walks”. BACK
Mr. Aye (Face person #1 for the global elite)
Con man, assassin and a foot soldier for the uber-wealthy, he’s such a badass, he makes ‘elderly amateur ladies’ mud-wrestling night’ seem appealing.
With his penetrating mind, occult training, Masonic connections and an unholy high IQ, there’s almost no one he can’t reach, even without a cellphone.
His most notable contribution to society was, well, nothing…
His mandate is to either recruit or destroy. In his icicle-shaped little heart, destruction would be preferable.
His friends (who aren’t dead yet) often refer to him as “The Disco King,” in reference to his superb Latin dance moves. BACK
The Mysterious “Man In Paisley”
A spiff dresser who seems to be a nice enough chap. Very generous with advice and candy.
Benevolent, wise, and a bit of a glutton for punishment, he is deeply committed to the furtherment of humankind.
If you are personally chosen by the MIP, you can immediately summon him to you by deeply concentrating. Unless it’s basketball season, then there might be a slight delay.
He hates to be photographed. Doesn’t do selfies. Rumor has it, he doesn’t even have a reflection.
Beyond that, however, we don’t know much because he’s, like, really, really mysterious… BACK